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Sometimes Career Highlights. Sometimes Blog Entries

When it Happens: My Journey Through Anxiety

3/14/2018

1 Comment

 
Picture
It happened at a dinner that I had been looking forward to. It was a cold February evening and I was glad to be out of the house. I’d been unemployed for a few weeks, had no real employment bites, hadn’t really told any friends about it, and was having some cabin fever.
It was Feb 2016. I had been at Marbles for over a year and was beginning to consider it a career. It was a bit of a betrayal when they decided to close their NY stores leaving me and my staff without work. I was angry. I was upset.
I decided since I didn’t have anything nice to say I wasn’t going to say anything. So I didn’t. I didn’t really tell friends. I didn’t tell family. I avoided social media. Winter was at its worst and darkest and so was I.

It’s weird when you go from being intensely busy to having nowhere to be anymore. So again, I was looking forward to dinner. It was a warm Peruvian restaurant on a cold night. When Rod and I sat down with the friend we were meeting, the waitress arrived asked me a question in Spanish. I didn’t understand. She giggled and switched to English.
​

I felt my face flush. Sweat beaded on my forehead and began to slide down my nose. I was burning up inside. My shirt was sticking to me.

​“Are you okay? You are really sweating” My friend said.
“It’s warm in here.” I lied. 
It was dripping down my back. I could feel dampness behind my knees in my jeans.
A while back, I had these rivers of sweat and sudden waves of heat situation on stage. I attributed it to severe stage fright. I stopped performing and decided that it was just not meant to be. I went from doing a lot of stagework, to one show a year, to none. I told myself I would focus on writing.
“Are you sure?” Rodrigo asked, seeing that it wasn’t stopping.
“I am going to step outside.” I said.
I stood in the icy wind without a jacket, unable to cool off. When it got to the point that it would only be more awkward for me to be standing outside than to be inside sweating, I went back in.
Only to have it start again. Worse, this time.
“I think I’m getting sick,” I said. “I’m going to go. Please. Finish dinner.”
I left them there.
I walked home with my jacket open. Tears mixed with my sweat. I was burning hot. I was furious. I was depressed. I was… anxious.
I got into my living room and it all stopped. Safe. Home. Secure. Alone.
Rod got home and asked if I was okay, if it was the flu. I told him the truth.
“I feel like I have stage fright in my real life,” I said. “Something is wrong with me.”
He hugged me and things seemed better.
***
I didn’t leave the house for three days. I went to the grocery store. The cashier asked if I wanted credit or debit. 
It happened again. I felt flush. My hands shook. I dropped my card. She laughed. It got worse. I swiped my card, raced home, put on a telenovella and waited to dry off.
​
Picture
Two days later it happened at the bank while I waited to see a teller. I got out of line and went home without pulling out the rent money. I was too flustered to even stop at the ATM.

It happened when I tried to make my first facebook status after being silent for a month. 

It was mid march and I hadn’t told anyone. I hadn’t seen anyone. I spent a lot of time crying. I found excuses not to go places. I saw the look in Rod’s eyes when he would come home and find me in the same place as when he left in the morning. I dreaded possible job interviews. I wondered if Rod and ever got married, would I be able to stand in front of people to say vows. I wondered if would ever be able to present my work to anyone. I wondered if I would ever go outside again.

Friends chatted with me on messenger and asked how I was. I said “fine” but hoped…prayed… that they would ask again so I can say. No. I’m not fine. I wanted someone to rescue me. I wanted someone to know I was in trouble. I began to look into positions where I could work from home. I had been given an performing opportunity, the biggest opportunity I had ever been given, and I contemplated turning it down.

I needed help. But “help” was for crazy people. Drugs were for crazy people. Therapy was for crazy people. And I was not crazy.
I told myself this as I continued to scour craigslist for work from home opportunities. I told myself this when I was deciding not to turn down the performing opportunity.

​

I got over myself and called a friend who is in the Mental Health profession and told him what was going on and what insurance I had. He gave me a list of names. I called one and scheduled an appointment.
When the day came I made a beeline for the doctor’s office. I barely looked up from my phone the entire ride. I blasted loud music. I played angry birds. Anything to distract me from the crowds, the warming spring temperature, and the fact that I was outside.
When the doorman asked who was there to see I got flustered and almost couldn’t tell him… somehow I stuttered the words and went upstairs.

I sat in the doctor’s office and I told him everything. How I did it without crying is still a mystery to me. I was so embarrassed, so humiliated. All the things I knew I was, I wasn’t. I wasn’t acting like a performer. I wasn’t acting like a manager. Hell, I wasn’t acting like a man. I was sitting on my couch whimpering because I was afraid to go outside. 
He made some observations. Definitely made me feel comfortable in my situation. Gave me some options…. And prescribed some drugs. He gave me all the things I said crazy people needed, while assuring me I wasn’t crazy. He gave me _________ to take daily to help raise my bar of comfort. He gave me _________ to take if I did make the decision to perform again. And he gave me ____________ in case of emergencies. I got them. I started. I waited.

I’d love to say that the next day the sun was out and I was out running and playing and interviewing and auditioning. But it took time. And it was a journey. But most of all, it was a series of accomplishments.

Picture

It was going out to dinner for the first time with friends from DC, being terrified that I would have an attack of anxiety- and for the first time… not. 

It was a series of adjustments in medication.

​It was telling Rodrigo, “I feel normal and want to stay out.”

It was telling my close friends.

It was telling my parents.

It was Rodrigo being my rock.

It was the side effects of weight gain.

It was saying “yes” to that performing opportunity.

It was using Pokemon Go as an excuse to go outside all day long.

It was going to California and seeing old friends.

It was performing in “Underpants Godot”

It was interviewing at Santaland.

It was getting married.

It was sitting in front of the sold out Towle Theatre and doing a talkback about Standby.

It was the few times that the attacks happened again and how I was able to deal and live through it.

It was telling that to my doctor.

It was my doctor saying the word “stable”

It was yesterday.

It is today. 

It is knowing that it will happen again and that I will be okay when it does. It is knowing that I can be honest with you all about this and knowing you won’t think I’m crazy. 

It is also me not giving a shit if you do.

I’ve been trying to write this for a long time, but for some reason the words only came today. So this is honesty.

This is anxiety.

This is me.

1 Comment
premieressay review link
12/23/2019 05:38:58 am

First and foremost, I want to thank you for being brace in sharing your journey through anxiety. That alone was a courageous decision that you did, and I really commend you for that. It was not an easy path, but you are still choosing to live. Living with anxiety is hard because everything becomes big deal for you; your reactions are always big though it is not needed. Actually, there are lots of branches to approach, but the fact that it was not an easy thing but you still did it was a commendable job of yours!

Reply



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    Mark-Eugene Garcia

    Writer/Actor/Storyteller. Theatre Maker. Husband. Bad Hombre. Cat Taunter.

    Contents


      • Winner: Best Supporting Actor - British Web Awards

      • Review: Jaime Lozano and La Familia's "Songs by an Immigrant" album gives a heartfelt voice to the Latinx Experience- DC Metro Theatre Arts

      • Review: Songs by an Immigrant Makes Bold Statements at Every Theatrical Turn - Broadwayworld.com

      • Jaime Lozano and The Familia Release New Video "Hold Tight"

      • Am I The King of the World or In Davy Jones Locker? Find out on The Spoony Bard's Aural Theatre Podcast- Permadeth! 024: Survival At Sea

      • People En Espanol names "Hold Tight" as One of Eight Songs You Need to Hear

      • A Best Supporting Actor Nomination from British Web Awards.

      • Best Performance Award Winner From the 2020 Creature Feature Competition

      • Spotlight: Wasted on the Young

      • Track-By Track Breakdown: Lin-Manuel Miranda Introduces Jaime Lozano's Songs by an Immigrant- Playbill


      • Mark-Eugene Garcia and Ashley talk about Musical Theatre, Acting, and Depression - Eff Your Fears Podcast


      • Cast Album: The Holy Cows of Credence, South Dakota

      • Mark and Rodrigo Join Other Interracial Couples Reflecting on BLM- Bloop


      • Jaime Lozano and The Familia Release 'Hold Tight', Collaboration With Raul Midon.


      • Standby is included in Frolics "Love This, Try That: TV Shows and Musicals Edition

      • Making Multiple Encores Talking About Encore! on the Encore! Encore! Podcast With Ben Siemon and Hanna LoPatin!

      • Back to the Woods Again. Again. The Encore! Encore! Podcast Covers -Encore! Into The Woods


      • Music Video: "Screen to Screen" by David and Paul Rigano featuring the #friendsofriganosongbook


      • Into the Woods we Encore Again Again

      • Standby is Included in Frolic's "Love This Musical? Try THAT YA Novel!"


      • Kristen Bell's Encore! Reunites High School Theatre Geeks!- Gush About


      • Binge Alert: Season One Of Demon Doctor is Available for Streaming


      • Get Ready For Chills and Laughs: The Demon Doctor Trailer is Released


      • Tiempo De Premio: 8TP at the New York Innovative Theatre Awards

      • Standby is included in Frolic's "Four Musicals You Need To Listen To Immediately."


      • #ToySoldierMark is Back Back Back Again

      • Spotlight: Eight Tales of Pedro at the Secret Theatre

      • Award Winning Latinx Play Returns to the Secret Theatre for 11 More Shows- LIC Post"

      • Playwright Interview with the 50 Playwright's Project"

      • A Thought Provoking Focus On Latino Heritage- Queens Chronicle

      • #Personofchange: An Interview with Mark-Eugene Garcia


      • Video: The Skeleton Crew Season 4 Trailer

      • Eight Tales of Pedro Returns to the Secret Theatre In October


      • Spotlight: Eight Tales of Pedro at the Un-Fringed Festival

      • Play Opening Sunday Explores the Story of Modern Latinos- LIC Post


      • Video: Eight Tales of Pedro on TIEMPO with Joe Torres


      • Dramaturge for The Temple of The Souls at the New York Musical Theatre Festival"


      • 8TP - Giving Myself Permission To Write

      • Perfect Timing During The Deadliest Decade


      • MEET THE CAST OF UNDERPANTS GODOT!- Secret Theatre Interview!

      • Blog: When it Happens: My Journey Through Anxiety


      • Duncan Pflaster and Mark-Eugene Garcia discuss Terror Train on the Screamqueenz Podcast"

    • Encore, Kristen Bell's Reunion of High School Theatre Classmates, Needs To Be A Full Series Immediately- Reality Blurred

    • Getting Unstrapped in Strapped for Danger

    • Kristen Bell Reunites High School Musical Cast Members for Encore! Premiering December 10 on ABC- Playbill

    • Spotlight: Encore! on ABC with Kristen Bell!!!

    • Video: Encore! Preview on ABC Denver

    • Kristen Bell Explains Why Encore! Is the Perfect Show for These Anxious Times- Entertainment Weekly"

    • If You Were a Theatre Kid, You Should Watch ABC's Encore!- Vulture

    • Video: The Official Encore! Trailer

    • Kristen Bell Returns to Theatre Roots with ABC's Encore!- Variety


    • Entertainment Tonight Releases the Encore! Trailer!!

    • Encore! Sets Premiere Date and Will Feature Into the Woods


    • Spotlight: Standby at the Towle Theatre

    • Midwest Premiere of "Standby" at Towle Theatre- PanoramaNOW Entertainment News


    • Towle's "Standby" Deals With Timely Topic- Chicago Tribune


    • Review: The Underpants Godot Works On Many Levels

    • Spotlight: The Underpants Godot at the Secret Theatre

    • Video: Waiting for Godot (Avant Garde) - The Underpants Godot


    • Video: Christina Bianco sings "My Faith In You" From the Holy Cows of Credence, South Dakota


    • Video: Mario Mazzetti sings "Still Standing" at Underscore Theatre Company

    • Video: World Premiere of New Song "Don't Wait" at the Underscore Theatre Company in Chicago

    • Video: Underscore Theatre Company performs "'To Feel Alive"

    • Video: Mikki Miraj sings "Last Goodbye" at Underscore Theatre Company

    • Blog: Orlando

    • Review: Facing East is Both Heartbreaking and Revitalizing

    • Video: Facing East Final Week

    • Video: Alyssa McGuigan sings "Mr. Right Now" from The Holy Cows of Credence, South Dakota at Don't Tell Mama.

    • Spotlight: Standby in the Overtures Series at the Gallery Players

    • Video: Facing East World Premiere Opening Night


    • Spotlight: The World Premiere of Facing East: A New Musical at the Jericho Arts Center in Vancouver

    • Review: Facing East: A New Musical Challenges LGBTQ biases - Broken Leg Reviews

    • Blog: Facing East- Bringing my Dad into the Story

    • Blog: Gems by Jack

      <
    • Reunited: Private Standby Table Read


    • Goodnight to Our World of Toys


    • Review: Facing East in Concert- LondonTheatre1

    • Video: FACING EAST LONDON - In Rehearsals!

    • Spotlight: Six Silences in Three Movements at the Brick Theatre


    • Video: Facing East in Concert at the Lyric Theatre, London

    • Write Naked/ Write Now in GoNaked Magazine


    • Video: Kristine Humerfelt sings "Without A Doubt" from Standby at Presented by Lights Up Entertainment in Liverpool.

    • #ToySoldierMark at FAO Schwarz


    • Feeling Blissfull with Bliss at all the Awards


    • Video: She Called It Hair Gel- from Broadway's Epic Fail


    • Jenna Leigh Green, Russell Ficscher and More Sings Songs That Are An Epic Fail- Playbill


    • What an abstract experience "Born to Die: Trapped Abstract" was


    • Epic Fail at the New York Musical Theatre Festival


    • Video: Mario Mazzetti sings "Still Standing" at Underscore Theatre Company

    • Spotlight: Bliss By Hannah Leshaw

    • Spotlight: (Un)Missed Connections at the Abstract Sentiment Theatre Company


    • Video: Evie Pickerill sings "Home By Now" from Standby at Lights Up Entertainment in Liverpool.

    • Video: Camile Favre sings "Travel On" from Standby at Lights Up Entertainment

    • Cast Album: Standby


    • Attending "Uncle Fester's Hurricane Party"

    • Arc of Triumph: Mark-Eugene Garcia’s Poetry Inspired His Plays & Musicals


    • Behind The Scenes: Recording the Standby Cast Album


    • The Holy Cows of Credence South Dakota at the Planet Connections Theatre Awards

    • Video: Peter DiCesare performs "Still Standing" from Facing East at At Mama's Party

    • Blog: Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

    • Blog: If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

    • Blog: What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

    • Blog: When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

    • Blog: If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?y

    • Blog: Which is worse, failing or never trying?

    • Blog: How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

    • Spotlight: Facing East Concert in Dallas


    • Blog: Travel On

    • Video: Standby- Meet The Band

    • Video: Standby- Behind the Music

    • Review: Standby at the New York Musical Festival - Lettersfromthemezz

    • Video: Standby at Broadway Sessions

    • Spotlight: Standby at the New York Musical Theatre Festival

    • Video: Standby Now Playing at the NYMF

    • Opening Night! Standby at the New York Musical Festival

    • Video: Standby- Road to the New York Musical Theatre Festival

    • Standby at the New York Stock Exchange

    • Countdown to Standby at the New York Musical Festival- Darren Ritchie Presents "Nothing But The Truth"


    • Sneak Peek: Standby in Production

    • Video: About Standby

    • Planet Connections Interview- Mark-Eugene Garcia of "The Holy Cows of Credence, South Dakota

    • Video: The Holy Cows: Writer Interview

    • Spotlight: The Holy Cows of Credence, South Dakota at the Planet Connections Theatre Festivity

    • Video: Julia Menn sings "Even Then" From Holy Cows at Cows Night Out


    • Cows' Night Out at Hurley's Saloon. Presented by The Holy Cows of Credence, South Dakota.

    • The Holy Cows of Credence, South Dakota Joins the 5th Annual Planet Connections Theatre Festivity- Theatremania

    • Video: "From Out Of Left Field" by the Holy Cows of Credence, South Dakota

    • Jenna Leigh Green, Darren Ritchie, Matt Shingledecker and More Will Fly Standby at NYMF

    • Behind the Scenes of Filming Bliss


    • Why the F did we do Promenade?

    • World Premiere: "What Friends Are For" plays as part of Gaylicious at The Stonewall Inn


    • Blog: Standing By

    • Blog: A Cousin Is Your First Best Friend


    • Video: Standby Performs Preview Medley at The NY International Fringe Festival Teaser at Jimmy's No. 43, NYC

    • The Darker Side of FringeNYC- Gay City News

    • Losing My Pants At The Planet Connection Awards

    • Review: Standby- TimeOut New York

    • Video: Standby at NYC Fringe Previews

    • Spotlight: Standby at the New York International Fringe Festival


    • Behind the Scenes: Standby in rehearsals for NYCFringe


    • Spotlight: Inscriptions at the Puzzle: Marbles Festival of New Works

    • Review: The Taint of Equality at the Planet Connections Theatre Festivity- Happiest Medium

    • Review: (un)Missed Connections- 2012 Planet Connections Festivityy

    • Planet Connections Interview- Mark-Eugene Garcia of (un)missed connections.

    • Spotlight: The Taint of Equality or I Want Your Sex

    • Video: Sneak Peek at (Un)Missed Connections

    • Spotlight: (Un)Missed Connections at the Planet Connections Theatre Festivity

    • Sneak Peek: The Taint Of Equality Rehearsals

    • (Un)Missed Connections presents and evening benefiting GLAAD at Vlada.


    • (Un)missed Connections- 5 Things to Know About The Show Before You Go. - The Happiest Medium

    • Countdown to (Un)Missed Connections

    • Wit. Daring. And two Orgies! - AM New York

    • Blog: Writing My Mother

    • The Taint of Equality or I Want Your Sex- Time Out New York Feature

    • Video: For Whole the Southern Bell Tolls at the CCNY One Act Festival

    • Little Corner Novel wins Dortort Prize in Creative Writing

    • Spotlight: Treasure at the Secret Theatre- Featuring "Inscriptions"


    • A Statement by Mark-Eugene Garcia - The Greener Room


    • Spotlight: One Night At the Golden Boot - Instant Theatre

    • This is My Jenny Commercial

    • Spotlight: The Full Monty at City College New York


    • Video: Kevin Duda sings "Still Standing" from Facing East at The Metropolitan Room

    • Untucked: Five Short Plays Celebrating the LGBT Community

    • Spotlight: Facing East in Chicago


    • Developmental Concert of New Musical "Facing East" to benefit The Trevor Project

    • Spotlight: The Man Who Loved Islands


    • Spotlight: Men in Towels at the Erotic Cabaret

    • Extreme Weight Loss: The Diet Secrets Behind Three Local's Amazing Slim-Downs


    • MK-Ultra: The movie that could have been awesome!

    • Spotlight: The Holy Cows of Credence, South Dakota at The Puzzle: Marble's Festival of New Works

    • Spotlight: Pioneer One

    • Spotlight: Nocturnal Fury

    • Behind the Scenes of Nocturnal Fury


    • "Six Silences In Three Movements" is Poetry In Motion

    • Spotlight: Six Silence In Three Movements in Manhattan Theatre Rep

    • Duncan Pflaster's "Six Silences In Three Movements" Begins a Limited Run This Weekend- Stagebuzz

    • Video: Six Silence in Three Movements - Promo Video

    • Spotlight: The Holy Cows of Credence, South Dakota at the LaGuardia Performing Arts Center.


    • Spotlight: 10 Pages, 25 Words, And A Nude Scene At the Nuyorican Poets Cafe


    • Spotlight: Hamlet at the LaGuardia Performing Arts Centery

    • Spotlight: The Boys In The Band at the LaGuardia Performing Arts Center


    • Music Video: Vampire Drag Queen


    • Spotlight: New York” at the LaGuardia Performing Arts Center


    • Spotlight: The Banana Kiwi Murders


    • Spotlight: The Messageboard

    • Spotlight: Leaves of Grass: A Nude Adaptation of The Iconic Song of Myself at the Cell Theatre


    • NYC Stage Debut! Love Creek Productions: Brief Acts


    • Blog: My 25 Facts

    • Blog: Love Letters

    • Disney's Flashback 06 at the Hyperion Theatre Disney's California Adventure

    • Spotlight: Up in the Air reading at the Colony Theatre Burbank


    • Happy Birthday, Mr. Sondheim! - At the Hollywood Bowl



    • Disney's Flashback at the Hyperion Theatre- Disneys California Adventure

    • Up! In the Air (Academy of New Musical Theatre) - Bookwriter/Lyricist


    • Spotlight: "The Journey" at the Academy of New Musical Theatre


    • Spotlight: If Men Played Cards As Women Do at Citrus College


    • Spotlight: Oklahoma! - Covina Valley Playhouse


    • Spotlight: The Rainmaker at Citrus College

    • Spotlight: Fiddler On The Roof- Covina Valley Playhouse -


    • Spotlight: City of Angels at the Covina Valley Playhouse


    • Spotlight: The Mousetrap at Citrus College


    • Festival Of Short Plays- Citrus College


    • Channel Surfing- Where so much began

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